i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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