Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
