The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
