1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
