I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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