I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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