dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
