A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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