the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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