Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
