You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
