He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
