he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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