sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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