Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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