If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
