Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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