Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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