So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
