Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
