so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
