Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
