Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
