Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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