another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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