I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
