I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
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