If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
