if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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