Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
whose ass print is on the piano?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
