I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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