I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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