i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
be right there i have to get my cape
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
