I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
