i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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