Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
