My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
