There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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