you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
