Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
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It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
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Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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