is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
