So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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