as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
