then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
