I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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