Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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