Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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