My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
