and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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