I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
