i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
