Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
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And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
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But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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