meet me or not, i'm out of control
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
