when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
