dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
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an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
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Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
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