We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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