dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
