I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
