Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I cockslap morals
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
