Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Randomize
