While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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