So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I supernannyed him into submission
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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